Because I am still a total hermit.
Ok, I'm not I know, What's the phrase I heard the other day, something like "wonderful little weirdo". I am weird, and I'm creative and I'm a lot of other things too, what I'm not is in any way, shape or form, a confident person. It is almost at total odds with my job - chatting away to people and being really open and receptive and so forth. At work, in crowds, its actually a very easy thing to be myself, but otherwise I am extremely socially awkward.
I have no self confidence, never did as a kid. It didn't help that I saw therapists to deal with it as an awkward teen and was just told that I was a weirdo to think like I do and pretty much almost "deal with it bitches". But that's another story and a whole other therapy session! It is basically down to having no positive reinforcement on anything. It occurred to me the other day that I don't remember anyone directly saying to me "thats good" in relation to something I did, or if they did it was almost in the "but its you so its no a huge deal", maybe that's normal, maybe I'm just that damn good at doing everything, but to little me it was like I'd never be as good as others.
As good at art, at cooking, at being a normal person. I'm was just the shy little weirdo and it got worse over time. I got some courage and got those proverbial balls I needed, and it all blew up in my face. That's ok, brush off start over, but unfortunately same cycle. You took my life and wrote it they'd think I was a fantasist I swear, but honestly just appalling luck.
I love blogging, I love chatting on social media and I'm happy, like this, to ramble away. Sit down in a room with me however, and it'll be three drinks before you get something as in depth as this out of me, it might even be that long before I'm having a conversation without pausing, visibly, to think about every syllable I say before I say it.
The wonderful gig was organised by a lovely guy I met on twitter - a random retweet and a few years later I will more than happily take bites off while making fun, but not face to face. I'm still totally awkward. I know people I work have read this blog, and I'm sure they think I'm nothing like how I actually am, but it's the opposite if anything.
I'm terrible at talking about me, I feel no confidence in what I do, but I LOVE getting comments and reactions from people. Today there was a message to the world at large, about something randomly kind I did for someone at work. Made my day, just like I made hers. I've seen the post, and I'd happily say here that of course I was going to do it, she deserved it.
Leave a comment of my own for her to read? never... she knows where I work and if she connected it back to this, well. I'm not quite confident enough for that yet. I'm working on it, and there's likely going to be a few more personal posts going up. I'd love to hear some reaction to those. Should we meet, tweet, or otherwise interact, if I'm awkward, trust me on this. Its not you, its me.