an epiphany...

Yeah, its been a while, but lets not dwell on that.

In fact, lets just keep moving. That's the theme of the moment in this place, forget whats been, own the mistakes pick yourself up and JUST GO FOR IT. If you follow me on social media you'll see I've been working more on my Etsy, and in that sense all creative forces I had were going that way.

Not that there was much creativity to start with. Life's been a total asshole, my two towers of strength that were keeping me in some semblance of sanity during the day to day were no longer part of my day to day. Life moves on, and you have to move with it. Problem was I was pretty stagnant.

Mental health in the toilet, no creative spark in my brain but trying really hard wasn't working. So step back. Be lazy. Watch all seven seasons of Pretty Little Liars in 3 weeks. Slowly start composing stuff in your head again. Feel a bit better. More ideas grow in your brain, but then you're back to square one. Everyone talks about a work life balance, but there is also a creative balance. So I did my math, cut back on the day job. Took a while to get the new, shorter hours, but already the weight was off. The mischief was brewing. And I had an epiphany...

I am enough, and I have the power to be who I want. I just have to take that leap.

I've been so damn nervous for so long about stuffing up and ending up in the horrible places I've ended up before, I've failed to realize that I can actually risk this and be OK. Hell, its not really much of a risk. I talk to people all the time who wax lyrical about how fabulous creative they are but that DO NOTHING WITH IT. I mention that if they wanted I can give then 40 free listings on Etsy, a no harm no foul way to see if they can sell their art. They wave me off. They talk the big talk but they don't take the leap. That is where I have the advantage. I risk, I try, and I am not weak if I should fail because I have taken the chance. Mental health be damned, I can still do this.

I read a lot during mental health awareness month about "imposter syndrome" and I realised it applied to me. I often find myself feeling I do not deserve to be in the room, that I shouldn't be part of whatever group I am part of. Then I read this story about two guys called Neil, both of whom would make me feel like a speck on the wall in comparison. Hell, when I met Neil Gaiman I DID feel like a speck on the wall, I went totally non-verbal fangirl despite the fact about 5 minutes previously I'd been joking with his wife!. That aside, as he says, if the first man on the moon feels that way there is hope for us all.

Do I believe I've got this all the time? No chance in hell. Do I feel like I got this at least once a day? Yes, and right now that's enough. It's been enough to see me take that leap.

I feel that everyone reading this has that kind of bravery inside them, the self-belief. Why? Well for one you are the kind of person who is reading this. Most likely someone who is creative, or blogs themselves or has in some way put themselves out there. Because the people I have met who don't fit in that category are WAY TOO SELF ABSORBED to have gotten this far in my ranting.

My people are the ones who aren't afraid to try for the dream, then realise its the wrong dream.

My people are the ones who will take that step off the path and take that leap.

My people are the ones who don't feel they can, but try anyway.

And guys... I love you all, you keep me going..

...and we got this.

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